"Thankful" isn't enough

To say that I am feeling thankful these days is just not enough. Thankful isn't a big enough word to cover all that I feel. I don't think there are words out there that can explain it.

This fall has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Such amazing highs, such horrible lows, reliving every second of this time last year from their birth, watching them grow, scared for them to come home, coming home, then scared that we were going to loose our boy, then watching him taken away in an ambulance to a place I had never seen. Living life with two small infants at home and one very sick baby three hours away. It was not how it was suppose to be, I wasn't able to soak up Neva and Matthew's first weeks at home because I rushed through everything with them so I could get on the phone with the nurse and talk about Jackson. Or I resented their needy cries because they were home and perfect, why should they cry? Their brother was fighting for his life miles away, he had a reason to cry. I could go on an on...but you get the point. After some time I realized that this wasn't the way to be so I made myself accept our situation and realize that the family I waited years for was here and it was time to be a mom to all my babies, not just Jackson.

This time last year we were loading the car to go to Philadelphia. Our first Thanksgiving as a family was spent in a hotel room at the Crown Plaza just a few minutes from CHOP. Two infants and two adults in a hotel room for 48 hours. We spent the whole time alternating visiting Jackson because I didn't want Neva/Matthew exposed to so many germs. It went something like this.... we fed them at 6am and I ran out of the door, drove like a crazy person and was in the NICU by 6:45. Brian was left to entertain the other two until 9am when I came running back for the next feed. Then we fed them and he ran out of the door until 12pm...repeat repeat repeat. There was a lot of strolling up/down the hallways, looking out windows, sitting in the lobby to pass the time. Our time with Jackson was spent trying to keep him comfortable, watching monitors to make sure he was still breathing, passing him off to the nurse when he wasn't breathing well, watching them intervene with different techniques to get him breathing again. When it was time to leave Friday he had one of his worst "events" of the week and that's how I had to leave him. I waited until we knew he was breathing again and things were fine, then I kissed him on the cheek and left him there. When I look back on those days I do not know how we survived carrying more than the weight of the world on our backs.

Lately I tear up on a daily basis looking at my family. I am so grateful for them but also grateful to be so far from those dark days. One of my favorite things to say is that nothing can be harder than what we have already done and I believe it. If this time last year didn't kill us - NOTHING will!

I have a messy house, I don't have much free money anymore, I have stretch marks and a constantly sore back. I have a to do list miles long that I ignore. But I have such amazing babies. They make me laugh every single day. Our house is loud, active, crazy, and overwhelming. We have nurses and therapists around constantly. And I am thankful for every single part of that. Yes I complain, yes I want to stay bed in the mornings, yes I miss traveling.... but I am so in love with my life now that all of that seems like a distant memory.

Tomorrow I am cooking a massive Thanksgiving meal. We are having a turkey (that refuses to thaw), pastry & dressing (all homemade), green bean casserole, a few other dishes and a pumpkin pie. And it's just me, Brian, and the nurse. Maybe Neva and Matthew will eat some. We are getting our Christmas tree today and will start decorating it tonight. Part of me thinks it's crazy to do all of this, just get a frozen lasagna and make life easy. I can't do that though, this is my family, this is our Thanksgiving, our FIRST Thanksgiving as a family. This is the family I waited forever for and I want to do it right. I want to create memories and traditions for my children starting now. That way by the time they are old enough to remember I will have had enough practice that the meal is actually yummy!!!

For me right now thankful means my heart is bursting with emotion. Sorrow for how bad things were last year, joy, thankfulness, love for where we are now. Excitement and hope for where we are going. When you look at your babies or your family hug them extra hard, for a few seconds try not to take the day for granted, not everyone is surrounded by their families at a table full of food. Even though it was my norm for 33 years, it only took 1 year for it NOT to happen, and I will never be the same.

Love you all!